Wot? Ho! I’m alive!
And in the house like everyone else.
Earlier today I answered a question on Facebook from a bookseller.
“How has the quarantine affected you as a writer?”
I answered it honestly and in my own style. And it got me thinking ( I know…careful…). Reading over everyone’s answer, re-reading similar conversations and comments shared in other writers groups I’m a part of, there is a commonality shared by writers, painters, videographers, interior designers, planners, jewelers, etc. You know, we creative types (though I’ve run into creatives working in a do-it-yourself store).
We’re all affected by this the same way in that it’s put us in a kind of limbo. Most of the writers I know had projects in the works that ground to a halt, books in the middle of series that to finish was the equivalent of sucking concrete through a straw, and quite a few who have done little else but watch the news and sleep.
But I had 2 more steps I wanted to go. Why, and how did I get back in that chair?
Let’s Find Out.
For me…
February… I had to really think about the answer to that question. A few years ago I jumped back into the job force and got a job that put me into the retail world (a scary place I’d never been in before) and though I enjoyed having a “work family” once again, becoming full time ripped away a lot of hours I’d become accustomed to having for writing, editing, graphic designing, plotting, researching, gaming (you didn’t see that), housework, etc. All of these things had to be rescheduled for those times when I could get to them, meaning when the day job didn’t physically remind me I’m not a spring chicken anymore.
I wanted to get back to writing, as well as not living paycheck to paycheck. So in January I started building a Patreon page and actually got an opportunity to move shifts to something easier to live with (going from closer to mid-shift). I reviewed what I’d done, what I’d finished, what I hadn’t finished, what I abandoned, and what needed to be done. I even got a book I’d written and turned in five years ago sent back to me for an editing review and successfully had a pitch approved for the next Valdemar Anthology (I love this world!).
Now…how I was going to get a new schedule done every week and play Final Fantasy XIV (my addiction) and not drag my ass into work half asleep was beyond me.
The Big Electron Has a Weird Sense of Humor.
March… Working in a do-it-yourself store brought home the seriousness of what was coming. We sold out of cleaning supplies early, masks even earlier. We were restocking several times a day but we couldn’t get stock from the distribution points fast enough. And then my daughter started to panic the more she learned of COVID and how it related to those of us with heart conditions, and a few underlying issues. Her panic was contagious and I would do anything in this world for that child. The job gave me the option to stay home, and I took it.
And froze.
There it was. Time. Something I’d been wanting to stock up on again and I literally didn’t do a damn thing for two weeks except watch the news, reassure my daughter I was fine and let her get groceries and do the cleaning and disinfecting. I remember several instances where I sat in front of my writing computer and stared at a blank Scrivener file. I had that book open to where I’d stopped at the review and couldn’t concentrate on what needed to be done. The idea of cleaning up my office went from inspiring me to get back in the saddle again to feeling like a 4 yr old staring at the business end of a plate of broccoli.
What ever creative garden I wanted to live in was literally closed for business, just like everything else was. It was like I’d said,
Me: “I need more time!”
TBE: “Okay. Here.”
Me: …..
TBE: “Why aren’t you being creative? Get that book done! Launch that Patreon! Write that escapist drek you love to write!” (The Big Electron didn’t really say that. I was quoting a critique I got once online.)
Me: “….I don’t know.”
I had time now. Nothing inspired me. Nothing made me smile, or get excited. I did start reading other things besides the news just to connect with other people. I even started looking at TikTok. That in itself is weird for me. My family started up a weekly meeting/video conference to keep in touch, and I still connected with my FF XIV FC on Discord (shout out to NORSE!)
Why did I feel like all my creative genes had been sucked out of me?? I was staring at the abyss of time with no desire to take that first step of faith. Write!!!
I am weird. I am also eclectic if anything. So I wasn’t surprised when it was my daughter who enlightened me. For me. It’s anxiety. The same thing she deals with every moment of every day of her young life. Anxiety comes from the unknown, IMO. Not being able to know the future. Not knowing how to control what cannot be controlled.
And I learned the best way to help her deal with her anxiety was to re-establish some control. Okay. That made sense to me. But how was I going to re-establish control of me wanting to apply butt to chair and become fascinated with story again?
Enter Tetsuya Nomura and the game that inspired my love of video games.
April… Like I said before, I’m eclectic and I find inspiration in weird places. First, it was calling on my BF for some card readings. He’s always spot – on and my level of confidence rose. I pulled that book back out and restarted my editing review and discovered the thing needed HELP! Okay, I can do that. True I was gonna have to re-familiarize myself with the game again (it’s a fiction book based on a gaming universe, i.e. Shadowrun), but it suddenly felt…easier.
Now, the biggest help for me came the week of April 10th. I felt the first pangs of excitement again because the Final Fantasy VII Remake was dropping at midnight Thursday. Before any of this happened, I’d already put in to have the weekend off for something else, only to find that had been canceled and the remake had been rescheduled from March to April, THAT weekend. The fact I was already home and there to play the Demo over and over again didn’t escape me.
In 1997 I borrowed a friend’s playstation. I don’t remember what store I was in because Old Brain, but while I had the machine, I lucked up on a copy of this game that everyone was talking about. I’d read online that it was breaking the rules, and that it would revolutionize story-telling in games. Seriously? Video games? The fact it was a Final Fantasy game was enough for me, because I’d just finished Chrono Trigger on Nintendo, a game by the same company, SquareSoft (Now known as Square Enix).
The game had three things that intrigued me: It had an intricate plot that unraveled itself with every scene with characters I actually cared about; it had a main character death that was unheard of; and it had the one thing I’d always been told not to write with—an unreliable main character. Cloud Strife was not well. And I wanted to know why.
I love these characters, and I watched my daughter fall in love with them too (especially Red XIII). I bought Advent Children the day it released here in the states. I bought the complete Edition with all the blood and gore in place. I bought a PSP so I could play Crisis Core and know Zack Faire’s story, as well as what happened to Cloud back then.
Twenty-three years later, at 12:01 am, I launched Final Fantasy 7: The Remake and all of my anxiety washed away. I felt giddy, excited, happy, ecstatic, just put in a descriptive and I felt it. The graphics and music alone were enough for me, but to see how beautifully Nomura and his team had fleshed out so much—I had to get up a few times and walk around and just yell out with the happy.
And as I played in the coming two weeks—sparingly because I didn’t want it to end and we don’t know when part 2 will be released—what I found to fill those gaps between playtime, was fiction. Writing fiction. I started researching again, making plans for 3 months at a time. I set aside darker series I had planned on writing (Oh I still wanna write them) to choose things a bit brighter. Get back to my snarky heroine preference and her sidekicks. I got Patreon ready to launch and chose a few things to put up to start it all out. A monthly short story, a possible ongoing serial, quarantine posts that deal with house projects, and updates on progress (all of this is tentative, but on my list).
And as I came to the end of the Remake, I was on a high. The story…THE STORY! The possibilities that now rested with an uncertain future. For whatever reason, this game sparked that drive to write again and this time I plan on controlling it, and not letting the world-on-fire control it. Don’t know how it’ll go, don’t know if it’ll be good. But it’ll be my decision. I’m ready to give it a try and tackle what comes next.
And hopefully not fall on my face. ;)
The theme song to Final Fantasy VII Remake, Hollow.
Final Fantasy 7 Remake opening movie.
Join me on Patreon for upcoming fiction and hopefully a few smiles. Launches May 1st.
Hello! I exist, and I am alive. 
